This time last year my husband and I were on the verge of calling it quits.
He was very unhappy & wanted out. I was very unhappy & wanted out.
The thing they don’t tell you about marriage is that it’s HARD AF sometimes.
With all the competing factors of family life, finances, hobbies & still remaining autonomous -it can be too much at times.
We were both at a standstill.
We both agreed to do couples counselling as well as individual counselling to see which beliefs were holding us back in the quest for our own contentment.
Esther Perel says that you will have at least 3 serious relationships in your life.
Question is: do you want that to be with the partner you vowed to love for better or worse?
In all honesty 2016 & 2017 were definitely our worst!
And we found ourselves somehow on different paths leading to different futures.
We have come a long way since then & still have quite a ways to go (that’s the beauty of life- we will forever be learning until our last breaths).
Yet, I wanted to share with you the top 3 myths that may be hurting your marriage. I should preface this with: I am simply sharing the insights I learned from my almost 20 years of being with the same man. I am by no means an expert. And also, if you are divorced, this advice is not to make you feel like you failed at life- in fact I have a belief that not all marriages are meant to be saved.
Myth 1: My husband needs to make sure I’m happy. Or as the saying goes “Happy Wife Happy Life”.
Side note: I’m guilty of saying that phrase above. And even more guilty of once believing it.
This is a hard truth for many to hear. No one is responsible for your happiness.The only person responsible for your happiness is YOU.
Myth 2: Your partner completes you.
Somehow we have been brainwashed into believing in the Hollywood- “love”-fantasy.
This kinda “True Love” means you need someone to complete you, which also kinda implies that you are a half of a person.
Darling, you are already complete. What you are doing when you find someone to commit to, is looking for another soul to GROW you.
A tag along to this mindset is the myth that you need to always *be* in love with your partner. Lady, let me tell you! You can love your husband- but you might not always like him!
At the end of the day it all comes down to respect. Respect of self and respect of him. (I have another Blog coming that will show you exact tools we used to help reconnect to each other- stay tuned).
Myth 3: Being alone means no one chose you.
This is something I believe many of us struggle with. Wether someone chose us or not. Darling, listen to me. Your Self Worth is NOT determined by your relationship.
Or anything else outside of yourself. These include your career, economical status, whether or not you have children, etc. etc. etc.
Too many of us will *settle* because we were *chosen*. We put so much value in being someone else’s. Darling, you need to belong to yourself FIRST. You need to value yourself FIRST.
The reason this is so important is because when you see your true worth, you will be more inclined to set boundaries.
Side note: boundaries are a gift to the relationship as a whole. Boundaries are about respect & honour- for yourself, the other person & the relationship.
Boundaries are in fact the ultimate Self-Love tool!
Listen, I get it. Relationship-ing is hard yo! And when you are in the trenches it may seem like nothing will ever work. I get it! I’ve lived it.
But again, the way to come back to baseline is to focus on GRATITUDE.
Ask yourself what you could choose to be grateful for in this moment when it comes to your relationship.
Because too often our memories will get distorted by our present mindset of feeling like nothing is working. And sadly, these memories will be altered in a way where there is nothing positive you can think of your partner.
I believe that Gratitude is the *cure* to most things. When we are able to choose what we will be grateful for, knowing full well that tough times don’t last, & that for things to change there needs to be a bit of pain.
I’ll write another post on the Pain To Change in the upcoming weeks, but that is the truth. Nothing ever changes when we are in our comfort zones. And marriages can be the loneliest places to live if we don’t step out of our comfort zones (a.k.a. our ruts).
The last thing I will write is this: The only control you have over anything is YOU. Your thoughts, your actions & how you choose to show up in your relationship.
Get brutally honest with yourself.
Where could you choose to be different? What marriage myths are you believing as your truth?